What to Do If Your Relationship Has Broken Down

Julian Hunt, Partner of the Family Department, Mediator and Collaborative lawyer, at Dean Wilson aims to set out some of the issues you should consider if your relationship has broken down.

My wife and I have split up and we intend to get divorced. She has suggested that we should go to mediation. What is it? Is this the same thing as marriage counselling?

It is a common misconception that mediation and counselling are one and the same thing, but they are not. Counselling is about you and your relationship. It can help couples understand and deal with their feelings and emotions. Sometimes it can assist parties to address their difficulties where they have decided to give the relationship another go.

Mediation on the other hand, is about assisting parties to come to mutually acceptable decisions on certain issues arising from the break-up, such as property, finances and children. It is a process of negotiation to help parties find a solution that meets all of your needs including any children. At the end of the day it is about coming to an arrangement that everyone can live with. However, if there are particularly strong feelings over what happens to the children from either party you may wan to take a look at our child law services.

What benefits does mediation have?

The idea of mediation is to help reduce tension, anger and misunderstandings between parties. This can be especially important where there are children because whatever you may feel about each other, you are going to need to get on as parents for the wellbeing of the children. Mediation is designed to encourage co-operation between parties and to prevent disputes intensifying thus making it harder for agreement to be reached in the future.

So how does it work?

A mediator meets with the parties for a series of sessions, during which time they will assist you to collect all the necessary information that will be required to enable you to negotiate with one another whether it be in relation to issues about property, finances or children. The mediator will not tell you what to do or take sides but will be able to share ideas with you and help you look at different solutions. The mediator’s job is to act as an impartial third party and manage the process. They have no power to impose a settlement.

Do I still need a Solicitor if I go to mediation?

Ultimately yes. Whilst mediators can give you general information about the law and how the legal system works, they cannot give you legal advice. You can engage a solicitor with whom you can consult throughout the mediation process. At the end of mediation you will get a written summary of the decisions you have reached. It should be borne in mind that this is not a legally binding document and you will need a solicitor to draw up a formal agreement or an Order for the Court to make it binding.

What if I do not want to go to mediation is it compulsory?

Mediation is always voluntary. For it to work, both parties need to take part. Neither of you should feel threatened or pressured by the other to attend. You do not have to attend mediation if you do not think it is for you. Also mediation is not appropriate in every case.

I want to resolve things amicably but I think I need my Solicitor with me in meetings for support and advice?

In this case an alternative for you to consider would be the Collaborative Law process. This process involves a series of roundtable meetings with legal advisors for both you and your wife present. It allows you to have the benefit of your own independent legal advice whilst enabling you to stay in control and to set the agenda and talk about the things that matter most to you and your family. For couples who generally seek a fair solution and want to minimise the pain of family breakdown, it may offer the very best way ahead. To find out more visit www.resolution.org.uk or visit our divorce law page.