SEPARATION & DIVORCE: How to tell children about a divorce?

We have decided to separate but have not yet told the children. How do you advise we tell the children about divorce?

Every situation and child are different so there is no one answer to this question. Of course, much will depend on the age and emotional maturity of the children concerned.

From my experience as a Family Solicitor I have assessed that damage to children of all ages may be limited by following some or all of the following:-

1. Inform your children jointly of the decision to separate.
2. Talk to children about the divorce in an environment in which they feel comfortable, for example at home.
3. Be honest but avoid blaming each other. Avoid giving children too much information/information they do not need.
4. Emphasise that it is not the children’s fault and that both parents love them equally. They need to understand that the decision to separate is an adult decision which they didn’t cause and can’t influence.
5. Do not make children feel they have to choose between you. Tell them that their life will be different but do not give them choices – it is your job as their parents to make the decisions. Children will want to know how life will change from their point of view, not yours, so letting them know what will change and what will still the same is important.
6. Make sure they realise that they are free to love both parents as before. Try to separate your feelings from the children’s feelings – do not confuse your child by belittling or criticising the other parent.
7. Expect your child to play one parent off against the other or even to take sides. This is very common. Do not hold what they say against them - allow them to express their feelings.
8. For contact arrangements, make them clear to the children and make them regular – children usually like routines as they feel more secure knowing where they will be, when and with whom.

We are having difficulty agreeing what is in the best interests of the children in terms of contact and living arrangements. How can we overcome this?

You may need the help of a third party to come to an agreement about Child Arrangements, including contact and living arrangements , and a family consultant or mediator can assist with this and help you formulate a Parenting Plan to refer to moving forwards.

What is the difference between a family consultant and a mediator?

A family consultant provides therapeutic and emotional support and helps separating parents navigate a way forward in the best interests of their children. A family consultant does not focus on legal or financial matters, instead focussing on the emotional wellbeing of all the family members. It can sometimes be helpful to speak with a family consultant to prepare you for the process of mediation, or even for them to work alongside the mediator. Family consultants aim to provide an impartial “third-eye” perspective to assist parents in prioritising their children’s needs and wellbeing.

A mediator is trained to listen to both parents, to assist them in their discussions and to work towards a solution that is in the best interests of the children. The mediator will ensure that both parents have the opportunity to speak and put their views forward within a neutral, safe environment. Mediators do not take sides and do not advise. Mediators are not therapists, and their role does not extend to providing therapeutic or emotional support.

Do I need a Solicitor to help tell my children about our divorce?

A Solicitor will be able to advise you in relation to your rights and obligations which you may find helpful prior to embarking on mediation with your partner. However, Solicitor and Court intervention should be considered as a last resort. Some cases require Solicitors to negotiate on the parents’ behalf and/or the benefit of a Court Order to regulate Child Arrangements, but in the first instance it is far better to try hard to sort difficulties direct with your ex-partner. The children will benefit most if you are able to maintain communication and establish a good co-parenting arrangement going forwards.

You can call the Family Department on 01273 249200 to arrange a no obligation telephone discussion and, if required, a fixed-fee meeting.